A Letter To My Mom

Dear ma,

Happy birthday!!

I know you're the type of person who throws parties for everyone but herself but I hope you have something planned for today since today is your 50th birthday. Oh, that does sound too old, don't worry though, I'm not far behind being a 30. I know how you love having me accompany you in your misery so..

Anyway, I promised myself that I will set aside an hour today to write you a proper letter. The original plan was to write it on a nice sheet of paper and stick it to your place this afternoon BUT I got afraid that your husband (aka my dad) will visit you too and read the letter which I don't really like to happen as I will tell some things about him in my letter. lol. I've been dreading this actually, as I don't want to cry - and I might, I just hope I make it to half before tears start falling. I decided that I will celebrate your birthday today on a happy note. I'm bringing the family over to visit you later today and take them to a nice dinner, like you would if you were around. We're going to P.F. Chang's and grab some milk teas. I wish you could join us, it would be lots of fun! I know you're a coffee lover but milk teas are the in thing nowadays and I thought you really should try it.

Many changes since you went away, I hope you're keeping tabs wherever you are, but I'm telling anyway. In 4 years, you've earned yourself another grandchild, a boy this time. Yeah, I know, life really sucks. I know how hard you prayed and waited for a little boy to come, no matter whose womb it came from (mine or yours) Now that he's finally here, you're the one who's gone MIA. We also have Puregold and SM  now. and Savory, that chicken place we used to frequent when we were still living in Manila. and Aristocrat, your favorite, just beside your house. and Red Ribbon, just beside Aristocrat. Tracie is now an architect and your Irish is currently weathering Ateneo hell weeks. You'll love their condo, I'm sure, I know how you dreamed of one day living in a place like that.

Well dad has a girlfriend. Your kumareng Sonia, godmother to your Irish. Yeah, me too, didn't expect that. Never suspected that she has a teeny bit of interest having dad as a partner even from way back then when you two were close friends. well, I guess feelings change.

I'm happy to report though that your side of the family seems to be doing well even without you. I seriously hope so; they panicked like it was the end of the world when you died. lol. Some of your nieces and nephews are now working and have families and kids of their own, although I'm still hesitant in communicating with them. The last time I did that, I ended up being the center of a chismis and the target of angry hissing comments. I guess better to stay out of their way. So yes, they are still that kind of family. so much drama.

As for me, I'm living the kind of life you yearned to have, just simple, nothing too stressful kind of life. I used to wish for this when you were still alive. I was fed up with the kind of life you passed on to me but I was powerless to refuse. I love you too much to refuse. "love" in present tense because I still love you and would still do the things you asked of me if you were still around. Your doctor once told dad that everything happens for a reason - he was pertaining to your death. I think you died, mostly, to let me go.

Had I known that my freedom would cost your life, I wouldn't have asked for it. I was happy to be with you, being your confidante, your opposer, your protector. I wasn't really prepared for your death and I was too scared to be called as a wimp to ever mourn your death. I've kept you alive all these years, in my heart.

I talk to you constantly, I wish you hear me and I wish to hear your voice just one more time too. Sometimes I feel you and I know you play with my son too when nobody's around. I wish I could see you. I miss you so much.

I'm sorry about your rest house by the way. I have no means to get it all cleaned up and besides, I was afraid other people would think of the act as something malicious. Like owning your place and not sharing it with my sisters? lol. I know you get what I mean, you know how evil mind works and apparently everything I do is a cause enough to crank up these evil minds. Not to worry, I know they are now drowned by their own evil ghosts thinking of what evilness I am up to next when I am just here sitting in front of the computer chatting with you. lol again. :D

Anyway, I better go. Your grandson is making papansin na. I'll just see you later okay? :)

xoxo,
gie